Football Funny

Below is a post I did on a web site several years ago called Falconsroost.com.

I am proud to say that this is still displayed as a classic post at that site. At the time the Atlanta Falcons were bad….very bad. Since then I am proud to say they have gotten much better.

But in honor of football season and all those dark Falcons seasons of yesteryear, here is my version of the 7 Stages. (P.S. I hope that I will not be feeling this way this year)

After yet another Falcons loss. (and we are not talking about your run of the mill loss here. We are talking about having been STOMPED IN THE TEETH. For example giving up nearly 400 passing yards and loosing to a 1 and 6 Lion’s team)

Anyway….After yet another Falcons loss following your getting your hopes up after they won a couple against teams that you thought were good but which turned out to in fact STINK…these are the stages the average patient…umm I mean fan…goes through.

Stage 1- Denial

If one considers the 7 stages of grief one might assume that this is a failure to accept that the loss occurred. In Falcons land however this is a denial to one’s self that you really care about the Falcons in the first place. The patient…pardon me…fan might be heard to say something to his wife who is trying desperately to read a book and ignore the fan like…

“You know what the funny part is? I mean this is really funny. You are going to find this funny. Are you ready for this? I DONT CARE!! No really I dont. Dont roll your eyes I mean it this time. (then louder as if you want the neigborhood to hear) I DONT GIVE A CRAP IF THE FALCONS WIN OR LOOSE!! I SIMPLY DONT CARE. NOT ONE BIT! I mean it doesnt affect me does it. I am still the same person whether they win or loose. What happens with the Falcons has never had any bearing on my life whatsoever! It doesnt bother me…it just doesnt bother me.”

At this the fan drops his arms dramatically to his sides slapping his  jersey and wearing a self satisfied smile, juts out his chin and walks with heavy thudding steps from the TV room.

Stage 2

Uncontrolled rage

During the very early indications of this stage the experienced spouse sighs deeply, closes her book with a snap and tosses the cat from her lap as she heads for the other end of the house. The cat stupidly lingers until the first drink coaster goes flying into the wall at which point he/she spins his wheels on the floor till he gains the necessary traction to flee the area.

Throughout this stage furniture may be turned over, the souvenir Falcons helmet on the entertainment center is usually kicked about like a soccer ball resulting in a toe injury and fueling the rage. At it’s most passionate this stage may result in one or more ripped up posters or sports magazines. This stage is also accompanied by incoherent babbling such as…

“DARN those miserable, no good low life …I wish they would all just…cause I am gonna drive down there and kick somebo…DANG A FALCON.

Stage 3

Undressing oneself in the yard

Known to be one of the more uncomfortable stages to recover from the following day if neighbors are encountered.

This occurs IMMEDIATELY following stage 2. The patient (I think we may as well call ourselves patients) walks around in the yard, now slightly hoarse from the rantings of stage 2 but continuing to rant only now without actually forming words. Tears of spent rage may fill the eyes. While walking about the backyard in hapless circles the patient will pull and tear at the jersey as if he has forgotten how to disrobe. Finally the jersey will be pulled off but only partway as it ALWAYS gets stuck on the head momentarily. The fan then babbles louder as he plays tug of war with his own head. Ultimately the jersey is on the ground and the fan is jumping up and down on it and beginning to laugh hysterically. Hopefully no flammable liquids are near-by

Stage 4

Hugging and Rocking

Too painful and embarrassing to even be documented here. But it involves sitting in a lonely corner of the garage, holding a well worn football between your knees and repeating over and over…why…why….why…

Stage 5

Binge Eating/ Team Switching.

The patient has now returned to the still empty TV room of the house. While throwing cold left over brats onto a plate and slathering them in too much mustard he can be heard to utter…

“I’ll bet the Colts would LOVE to have a fan like me. Yessiree that is what I am gonna do…I am gonna enjoy the rest of these brats and have some brownies and watch MY COLTS…I love me some Colts.

Stage 6

Nausea and abandoning of pseudo team

After watching a perfectly executed drive the fan cannot enjoy it for asking the cat (who has now returned) Why cant KNAPP do THAT huh…I mean is that so hard.

Stage 7

Abandonment.

You dont need a description.

“Well that’s it I guess. No more football for me. I can’t switch teams and I HATE the Falcons guts. So I just won’t watch anymore that’s all.”

This stage is reached at around 7:00 PM.

9:00 PM

“Well, what I will do is TIVO it and THEN and ONLY then if I hear they won I will go back and watch it. But I am fast forwarding every time we play a zone.

1:00 AM

Lying awake analyzing the loss. “I guess I could watch the first quarter and then if they are playing like crap I can turn it off.”

Monday AM.

I think they are gonna turn it around…That loss was just the wake up they needed prior to the playoffs.

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2 Responses to Football Funny

  1. Bree says:

    So funny! Spoken like a real football fanatic (which I’m sure you still are). It just gets in your blood. I had a son like that and he would have been your best friend, only football wasn’t a season to him, it was ALL year long. Did you play football in school? He did and I only missed one game he ever played in four (yes, 4) years because of asian flu. Even then we had it video taped and I watched that tape seven times. Yep, football fanatics – both of you. My team is Denver, what’s yours? ….and Tebow (wherever he plays!)
    …….sign me The Football Mom

    • chrisskates says:

      Bree, I did try to play. But I had a rare athletic combination of being both small and slow. Not a recipe for success on the gridiron. 🙂 My teams are the Atlanta Falcons for pros and the Georgia Bulldogs for college. There are no teams that come in a close second. Yes. It sounds like your son and I would have had much in common.

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